So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She needs sedatives and a leash
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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