My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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