Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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