I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
