did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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