i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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