I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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