I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize