I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
