U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
