WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I touched a dick in church today
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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