I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
