why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
