I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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