My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
