either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
