I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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