i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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