i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You are a genius and a whore.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
