He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
