i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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