i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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