Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
