happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
