I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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