Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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