you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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