remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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