Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
