his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
