Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
