You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
