Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
