Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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