This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
