I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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