I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
