i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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