Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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