On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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