Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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