someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
