We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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