All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
