I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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