how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
