yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
