I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
