The maid of honor just puked.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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