So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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