You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
