I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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