It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
