I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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