Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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