just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
