he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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