just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
