I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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