Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize