i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I would ride that face into the sunset
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